A powerful coming of age story that invites a wider understanding of women, sexuality, and cultural traditions
Rim Battal’s autobiographical novel, I’ll Look Myself in the Eyes, is a stark commentary and sharp exploration of the causes and effects of the private violence among women, often disguised as rituals. Interspersed with moments of striking tenderness and understanding, the women Battal counts on let her down again and again. Still, hers is a story of defiance and self-determination until adulthood when she finally sees her mother through a new lens.
Battal, an average Moroccan teenager growing up in a traditional household, gets caught smoking a cigarette—an incendiary event that burns away all she thought she knew about who was in her corner. Beaten by her mother for this transgression, Battal escapes to her favorite Aunt Aida’s house. But she is shocked to find Aunt Aida ready to seize the opportunity to leverage the situation in a simmering feud with Battal’s mother.
When the book opens, Battal is about to have a harrowing experience where her virginity is to be formally, medically certified by a gynecologist before she can return home from her aunt’s house, per her mother’s orders. Protecting the family’s honor with concrete proof of Battal’s purity is prioritized. It’s not enough for her to say she’s a virgin, though. The truth is only valid if it’s affirmed by someone else.
Battal hopes that her boyfriend, trusted aunt, or friends’ mothers will come to her aid, but she is alone. There is no way around her mother’s demand for a certificate of virginity. That dawning realization is difficult to witness. Alternate fantasies of escape, rescue, and even revenge quickly fizzle, leaving Battal with little choice in what happens next, other than leaving home as soon as possible after her education is complete.
I’ll Look Myself in the Eyes is a deeply layered examination of truth, gender, and sexuality set against family dynamics across generations. Lying and evasion are juxtaposed with truth and honesty, with funhouse consequences that bend and shift unpredictably. The demands on Battal are rigid, while Aunt Aida’s children have more freedom to experiment, as long as they don’t get caught. Battal’s father (Aida’s brother) bends logic into a pretzel, extolling the benefits of lying to build trust. Meanwhile, Battal’s mother sacrifices Battal’s autonomy and dignity to maintain the family’s social standing. The truth becomes whatever you say it is as long as you’re not a teenage girl. When Battal can finally use her voice, she’s loud and clear in the most satisfying way.
Battal’s writing skillfully explores how telling the truth challenges others to confront their own actions. The women who suffered under gendered expectations turn around and inflict those same standards on their own children in the name of tradition. In Battal’s family, the approval of others means everything, particularly when it comes to in-law dynamics. She shows us how the damage of the patriarchy spreads beyond the women to envelop men, too. With age and time comes some understanding of her mother’s role as victim, perpetrator, and even protector. Still, these are explanations, not excuses. We see it all through Battal’s clarity, and while it’s easy to cast judgment, there’s overlap with how young women are raised and expected to behave in American culture too. The ideas that Battal probes in her book are worthy of wide consideration.
This book will make you angry and break your heart before leaving you inspired by Battal’s now-successful life. Her writing is exciting, with impeccable timing and an authentic voice that rings true. A strong choice for reading with friends or book clubs, I’ll Look Myself in the Eyes challenges as much as it engages, and comes highly recommended from this impassioned reviewer.
What did you think?