Book Review: The Requirement of Grief

Reviewed by Elizabeth Reiser

A beautiful, heartbreaking exploration of the many layers of grief

Grief is messy, and it can throw us into a chaotic mix of powerful emotions. These varied reactions to grief are explored with acuity in Danielle Ariano’s memoir The Requirement of Grief. 

When Dani’s sister Alexis succeeds in taking her life after her thirteenth attempt, Dani finds herself torn between two strong reactions: an overwhelming sense of grief and an undeniable feeling of relief. These disparate emotions are essential to dissect as she comes to terms with life after loss. 

Ariano’s memoir bounces around in both time and emotion. The reader is taken on a journey from childhood, where Dani has a sense of hero worship for her sister, to the more recent past where her sister’s issues with addiction and mental illness lead to exhaustion and resentment on her end. These flashbacks are intertwined with the aftermath of Alexis’s suicide, where Dani finds herself consumed with guilt and unanswered questions, especially important as she and her wife start planning for a baby.

Exploring timelines is essential to explaining Dani’s grieving process. The relationship between the sisters was not black and white, but rather layered and complex. In the flashbacks to childhood, the reader sees a close and loving relationship, so close Dani will confide in Alexis first when she comes out, and she will offer her the perfect support.

However, as Alexis gets older, her demons become stronger, and this ultimately has a huge impact on her relationship with her family. Alexis’s heavy drinking and drug use will cost her jobs, relationships, and ultimately her home as she spirals out of control and away from those who love her. Dani’s sadness over losing the vibrant sister she grew up in the shadow of is palpable; so too is her anger over the feeling of relief she finds within the loss. It is evident through the writing how much it hurts Dani to admit the weight lifted from not having to worry anymore.

While the chapters are mainly told from Dani’s point of view, there are a few told from the imagined perspective of Alexis. Envisioning Alexis’s final moments from her point of view feels like a practice in grief being done in real-time, and the result is heartbreaking. Alternately, the chapters from Dani’s perspective are raw with anger and hurt, both at her sister and herself. It is an emotional rollercoaster for the reader, though some of the time jumping is a bit discombobulating in parts. 

Ariano’s memoir is a deeply impactful book and a lovely tribute to a sister she loved because of and despite who she was. This will be a compelling read for anyone wanting to look at the often beautiful and sometimes ugly ways we process grief. 

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